I'm Going to Be Famous

I have many memories of third grade, perhaps because I had a particularly memorable teacher. We did stuff in third grade that would never happen today--there's simply not enough time, due to all the preparations for standardized exams. My teacher was not married, and I think we really were her surrogate "kids" and family. In the mornings, she used to just talk to us for about fifteen minutes, and tell us about her life. She would talk about things like what diet she was on. I remember she used to drink SlimFast and read Danielle Steele novels. She often brought in treats (something else that wouldn't fly today) and she really enjoyed cooking and crafts. She wanted to pass those things on to us, so our class made a complete Thanksgiving meal, with the help of several parent volunteers. She also taught us to do cross stitch and plastic canvas. For Christmas, she made us all personalized plastic canvas bookmarks. I'm sure that took hours, if not days, to complete.

I also remember her as rather permissive. Third grade was the year that I really started reading a great deal, and I remember having plenty of time to pick a book out of the class library, and just sit in the classroom, reading. At least once a month, usually on Friday, my teacher would pass out paper cups full of trail mix that she called "GORP," and we would join the other third grade class and watch a movie. Sometimes, when we had reading group, we would just play Boggle. Another time, I didn't do my homework and told her it was because I was watching Doogie Howser, M.D. She just said that next time I should do my homework before I watched TV. Like I said, this lack of structure made for a memorable year.

So I thought it was only fitting to start off with a book that my teacher read aloud to our class that year: I'm Going to Be Famous by Tom Birdseye. We loved this book and thought it was hilarious. Tom Birdseye is an elementary school teacher himself, so he was well-acquainted with his audience. I'm Going to Be Famous was his first book, and it's an impressive debut. The book is written from the perspective of fifth grader Arlo Moore, who sets out to break the world record for banana eating to earn a spot in the The Guinness Book of World Records. Soon, other kids decide to join his quest, including his sister Kerry, who wants to break the world record for spitting melon seeds and his friend Mike, who is trying to top the record for ice cream eating. It's a classic kids against authority story that would make a good afterschool special: the parents worry the kids are going to hurt themselves and the school principal is concerned about "gambling," as the kids start betting on whether or not Arlo and his buddies will succeed. They ban any further attempts at world record breaking, but Arlo decides to forge ahead with his plan.

The concept of breaking a world record makes for a good story, since there isn't an elementary school student alive who has not been obsessed with The Guinness Book of World Records at some point. But some of the smaller scenes in the book are what really stuck with me over the years. Take, for example, Arlo's plight as he waits for a turn in the family bathroom:

The bathroom door is shut. I've arrived here from my bedroom obstacle course with little time to spare. Nature is still calling to me--loudly. It's Tuesday morning and I'm on the wrong side of the bathroom door.

"Hey Kerry, hurry up. I need to use the bathroom."

"In a minute," she says.

"A minute is too long. I need in there now."

"I'm brushing my hair, Arlo," she says.

"I know you're brushing your hair. Hey, listen. I have to get in the bathroom. Do you understand?"

"Say please and I'll let you in, Arlo."

I've lost control. I'm banging on the bathroom door. I've become a wild man filled with the strength of a lion. I'm Bigfoot, about to rip the handle off the door. Then I'll change into Tyrannosaurus rex, tearing my sister Kerry into little shreds. I'll be the creature of the black lagoon....My kingdom for a million bathrooms. Bathrooms in the hall. Bathrooms in the attic, and the big pine. A million bathrooms everywhere. Nature calls to me. Very loud it calls. (33-35)

A Richard III reference in a book for kids? I love it when children's book authors don't talk down to their readers. I'm Going to Be Famous is full of similar passages: Arlo and his siblings, Arlo and his teachers, Arlo and the bully at school. He's a great protagonist, but Birdseye doesn't take the afterschool special way out and actually let any of the kids succeed at their record-breaking attempts.

I've never really heard much about this book, and it's one I don't happen to own. This copy came from the local library. But I enjoyed it with the likes of more well-known books by Judy Blume, Beverly Cleary, and Lois Lowry. Any teacher who not only encouraged reading every day, but read to us, too, is okay in my book. I hope there's still time for that for the third graders of today. And without that teacher, I might not have remembered I'm Going to Be Famous.

Up next: undoubtedly one of my very favorite books as a kid, Barbara Park's Skinnybones.